Day 30

Questions on ask..

Q: Single?
A: Yes

Q: :*
A: ;*

Q: All girls in my school talk about you! Why?
A: Madry walla

Me: Ok sara 3ade, nothing shocking, go down..
S: Kill hatha?
Me: Adre people talk about him.

She looked at me, and said nothing what so ever.

She scrolls down...

Q: If someone told you, you have to get married now. You have two choices, marry a girl you know or let your mom pick for you?
A: Mom pick for me.

S: Hatha 7mar
Me: yumkn gal chthy 3ashan people mayshikoun?
S: Stop making excuses for him.

She kept on scrolling down

Q: do you love someone? Or have feelings for someone? The truth please.
A: Nope

Me: Still doesn't mean anything...

Q: I've been in love with you since last year, I’m afraid to tell you because I don’t know what your reaction will be..


A: Tell me who you are for starters, I won't post.

Staring at his answer, my eyes quickly started to tear up.

Me: Now what Sara? Shswe?

She said nothing.

Me: When I finally loosen up a bit this happens again? Laish chthy 7athe, laish?

She hugged me.

After 30 minutes of non stop crying I finally started to calm a bit down.

S: Modhi talk to him, call him al7een!
Me: Shgoula?
S: Tabeeni akalma?
Me: La ana aklma
S: Call..

I unlocked my phone, and called him

Sara: 76e speaker

I put it on speaker.

Me: Alloo
A: Hala 7yati
Me: Hii, 3ziz are you busy?
A: La goulay, what's up?
Me: Shift your ask

Shikat for a while, me and sara looked at each other.

A: And?
Me: 3ziz answer my question, am I not enough for you? Do you need more girls to satisfy your needs?


Silence again.

A: Modhi, Awalan sh7ga dasha my ask ou thaniyan I'm a guy ou you rejected me, shraych y3ny?
Me: That's all you have to say? Shame on you 3ziz.
A: I have to move on sometime, entay matabeeni
Me:  YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU! Embayin shkither et7bne
A: Modhi, calm down. Mala da3e ely g3da etsaweena
Me: I have to go

I closed the phone.

Me: Why are all guys assholes, laish sara? When find the right guy ou fall for him, this happens.

I started crying again

" Modhi? "

Me and Sara both looked at the same time.

Day 29

I explained everything to her.

S: Ola, intay shnu?
Me: Shnu? Chub maswait shey ana! 


She beamed.


Me: I mean it's not my problem, I'm hot...
S: Hahaaaaaay!
Me: Joking, OK yalla lt6wlena! Tell me how do you know about Wahab's salfa?
S: Y3ny Modhi, I'm not dumb inzain? Kint adre ena you were in love with him, ashkara embayin ena you talked to someone. A3arfich 3adel ana. B3dain I used your phone mara walla ashouf isma on bbm, don't kill me but I went on your twitter you were following him walla ag3ad I stalk him.

6oul el wakt she knew.

Me: Why didn't you tell me?
S: Wanted you to tell me.

I was speechless.

S: Okay enough shock, call 3ziz..
Me: Enzain okay

I called him..

*Ring ring*
.
.
.

*Ring ring*

Me: Mayrid..
S: Okay bbm him
Me: I did, myrid..
S: Check his twitter or ask..

Got my laptop, opened it and went on his twitter

Awal ma b6alta I read a convo between him and a girl, "Hadeel".

I looked at the time.. "3mins ago.."

Me: Saraa...
S: Ha shligaitay?
Me: He's having a convo with a girl, should I be worried?
S: Madre, shgallaha?
Me: "You look pretty" b3dain madre shgalat ihya ou gal "lol thanks" b3daain..
S: mn9jich?
Me: Eee.. b3dain galha "dm.."


I can tell Sara was antagonized and very disturbed by what she had heard.


I started to worry, I knew Sara was disconcert.

S: mita the last time you stalked him?
Me: Min awal makalamne, I stoped..

Sara took my laptop.

S: Yeebay lets stalk him
Me: Wait he bbmed me..

*bbm convo*

Me: Hey! Waineck?

PING!!!

A: Shfeech? bldiwaniya u?
Me: Ohh, home.

He seemed to be very calm.

Me: Gali ohwa bildiwaniya..
S: 3ayal laish eflim 3ala rasich?

I didn't know what to say, again.

S: Show off! b6iga ou b6igaa


I looked at Sara. I was tongue tied, for the third time.


S: Whatever, yebay lets stalk.

She looked through his followings

S: 7elw 7elw..
Me: Shnu?
S: Laish you stopped stalking him?
Me: I trust him, ok shligaitay..(?) show me!
S: He's followinggg

She's scrolling down..

S: Hadeel, Alzain, Fay, Alia, Mariam, even a Modhi... akamil?
Me: La2 latkmleen, ymkin they're friends
S: Madre walla, arou7 his ask?
Me: Eee...

On his profile his ask.fm was in his bio, Sara clicked it.

"Bsmilla, please dont dissapoint me 3ziz"

I whispered.

Day 28

Me: I'm sorry
Sara: Don't say you're sorry just promise me bitguleni everything e9eer right after it happens mu months or even years later.
Me: I promise

I thought she would get angry but no, she wasn't. It was as if she knew about it the whole time but kanat sakta.

S: Okay call 3ziz, check if he's okay

3ziz! I forgot about him.

I'm surprised, I wasn't thinking about him.

Me: Khal enru7 my room then I'll call him

Sara: Enzain, I knew about Wahab by the way..
Me: What? How?
Sara: It's a long story

I knew it! I felt it, my feeling are never wrong. 

Me: I have time..
Sara: No you don't

Wisalna my house.

Me: Fine, tell me when we're in my room!

She nodded.

We got out of the car, banzil walla A7mad tawa 6ali3  min elbait.

He looked at me, then quickly looked down as if he was trying to avoid me.

Sara saw him.

Sara: Ouch. Shame on hamoodi.
Me: Mobkaifa!

I quickly got out of the car and yelled his name as he was getting in his car.

" 7moood! "

He instantly looked at me and replied

"Halla Modhi"

With a fake smile on his face. It was too fake to be hidden. Does he really think turning away will make things less awkward? I'm not letting him ruin what's between us. I'm not letting this slip, I'm fixing this.

I ran to his car.

Me: Halla walllaaaaah, shtabe yaay my house?

He smiled and It wasn't fake. Good start.

Me: Ashouf gimna mansalem, gilna 7lu bess mtshouf rou7ick 3alaaay

He smiled again.

Me: Btaskit 6ool el wakt?

I leaned on his car.

Ahmad: Madre shagoulich Modhi
Me: OKH OKH ELGARAG MAYADRE SHIGOULL!!

He smiled for the third time! It's actually working.

Ahmad: Wayhich wayhich!
Me: Eee thats my 7moodi

Finally it's Ahmad, the old one, the one I used to know before he told me he likes me and made things extremely awkward.

Ahmad: Cham mara gailich don't call me that?
Me: Mabe kaifi, 7amoodi
Ahmad: Et7asiseeni gay
Me: Wina shnu?
Ahmad: MODHIOOO

I walked away with a smile.

Ahmad: MODHH WAIT!

I walked back

Me: Halla
Ahmad: Hathi sara?
Me: Eee shadarack?
Ahmad: La walla shey
Me: GOULL!!
Ahmad: 9a7by thabi7ne 3laiha, mayit 3laiha
Me: Ayshey?
Ahmad: Eee walla
Me: Okay mnu hatha?
Ahmad: B3dain agoulich
Me: Okay, bbm me


Ahmad: They should meet
Me: Laaa maku maku!

I walked up to sara then me and sara went to my room.

Me: 7amood's friend mayit 3laich...
S: Mnu hatha?
Me: Madre agoulich when he tells me!
S: Shlon y3arifna asasan?
Me: Stalker!
S: twitter?
Me: Madre, okaay yalla tell me about Wahab.
S: After you tell me what happened between you and "7amood"
Me: Okay

Day 27

I quickly shut the door

Me: Sara shfeech?!
S: Walla shey g3deen en6ali3 The Notebook
Me: 3BALLY 3EDKUM SALFAA! KHTAR3T 3LFATHE!

Sara smiled.

Taiba paused the movie.

Taiba: Wain kintay?

A 5 year old can lie better than I can, I'm literally the worst liar ever. My face turned red, I couldn't respond.

Rawna8: Khanat ma3a my sis, it's a long story..

Saved.

9adigow then started playing the Notebook again.

* Bbm convo*

Me: Jad walla Riri how do you do that?
R: Sh3arafich entaay, enzain yalla goleli sh9ar?
Me: 3n shnu?
R: Haw entay 7mara? Ma3a 3ziz..
Me: Walla shay
R: Madre etgi9een 3ala mnu... bitgolenli killshey ghasban 3laich
Me: Chub, okay b3dain agoulich
R: Okay

We stopped bbming 3ashan la they get curious, wishkoun zyada.

.. It's 6pm and I really wanted to go home. I needed to call 3ziz, I was worried about him.

I called my driver and told him to pick up.

R: Bitrou7eeen?
Me: Eee omi galtetly m6awil plus badris for my exam

Rawna8 smiled. She knew I was lying, she knew something was up.

Sara: Can you drop me home?
Me: Eee sure..

Awal ma my driver Raj wisal, me and Sara left.

Rikabna the car me and Sara.

Lisa: Modhi you told me to tell you when hamood come our home, he is there now.
Me: 7AMOUD IS IN OUR HOUSE????
Raj: yes
Me: Shit.

A7mads parents know my parents very well, min zman. So he visits us from time to time 3ashan isalim 3ala "my mother", I hope.

A7mad's dark skinned, his lips are very sharp in shape and are very pink, atleast used to be before he smoked. A7mad has very deep dimples and has long wavy hair that he brushes backwards. A7mad also has the most attractive smile, his teeth are perfect.

A7mad's hot as simple as that.

S: Laish shit? Shfee A7mad?

A7mad told me he liked me 2 month ago in Dubai. Ri7na me, 2 of my cousins, a friend and him for the weekend

I bet you're wondering and what did I resond to him? Well as usual I messed things up. Giltla ena how he shouldn't tell me this or feel this way about me ou ena shlon my parents trusted him with me. He's supposed to be like a brother to me.

After he told me how he felt about me, It got too awkward ever since.

S: Modhiiii?
Me: Walla shey.. haha
S: Whatever lie 3ade, enzain gouleeli sh9ar. Adre you weren't with Rawna8's sister, wain kintay?

I smiled.

Me: Ashkara it was a lie mu?
S: Eee
Me: Okay bagoulich, etyeen my house?
S: Eee sure

Now I don't have to stay with a7mad for long, ashwa.

On our way home I explained everything to her, including Wahab.

Sara: Modhi..

Day 26

Me: I'm sorry 3ziz
A: Bess b3arif laish magilteeli Modhi?

He was still holding my hands.

Me: I'm not proud of it.
A: Shlon kintay et3arfeena?
Me: Mmm I was in love with him.
A: Hatha mita el7ache?
Me: 3 years ago..

Ana awal magiltla 3 years, he let go off my hands. Ana shnu gilt? What does he know about this?

A: Modhi bas2ilich so2al
Me: Ask
A: Modhi entay and your bestfrined both talked to him?

Shdara? Im so confused.

Me: 3ziz mnu galick?
A: Modhi I'm so sorry I have to go

He stood up kan emnazel rasa. He was very dissapointed, I can tell.

He wanted to leave, but I didn't let him. I was in his way.

Me: 3ziz mara7 akhaleeck etrou7
A: Modhi magdar akalmich

He insisted on leaving, I didn't let him go. I don't know if thats his way of showing anger or that he's simply too dissapointed.

The furthest me and Wahab went was tell each other that we loved each other. We never went out, I always said no to him.

Me: 3ziz shnu sami3 bitgouli al7een.
A: Modhi please move, mabe I push you

I held his hands

Me: 3ziz look at me, just listen to what I have to say, okay?

He looked at me, sat down and didn't say a word. I'm guessing this was his way of accepting to hear what I had to say.

I told him how it all went, I told him about Nora and what exactly happened. I told him everything, with no lies what so ever. I came clean.

After 10 mins of detailed explanation I was done telling him.

I sat down next to him.

A: Modhi promise me ena ely giltee exactly what happened, nothing less ou nothing more?
Me: I promise 3ziz, walla.
A: I'm sorry 3a9abit 3laich, lazem arou7 al7een
Me: Why 3ziz shfeeck? Please latrou7
A: Wala shey, mu minich walla
Me: ha 3ayal shfeeck?
A: Abe arou7 awagif wahab 3end 7ada 3ashan maykharbi6 zyada
Me: Shlon?
A: Broo7 acha3ma
Me: La walla mabe mashakel 3ziz
A: Modhi lail7een hal chalb ga3ed ytkalam 3an elsalfa ou la ba3ad azeedich min elshi3er bait, gayel emsawe ashya2 wiyach

How sick is he? Jad madre mita ib ykbar wiseer rayal.

Me: Shnu gayel ba3ad?
A: Mala da3e agoul.
Me: Okay, promise me mara7 emid edick
A: Modhi madre shbi9er walla

He stood up, held my hands and pulled me up.

A: Mabe a6awil 3laich ana, rou7ay 7ag rfejatich okay? Don't worry about me

I didn't say a word. I stood up and he walked me to the door.

A: Ana bamshe tabeen shey?
Me: Salamtick
A: Alla yslmich, Modhi 3ashani deeray balich 3ala rou7ich
Me: Enshalla, enta ba3ad
A: A7ibich wayed walla
Me: Ana ba3ad

He left and I went to the girls.


Awal wisalt I opened the door, they were all sitting in a circle ou awal madkhalt all turned around and looked at me


Sara's eyes were red, she was crying.

Day 25: Tensity and wrong timing

On our way to rawna8's house 3ziz called me.

I couldn't answer him, I was too close to them.

I bbmed him

Me: Hi
A: Hey, sorry walla my phone 6ifa, kan low battery
Me: Aha okay.

Khatara3t, I over reacted 3ala wala shey. I thought he didn't want to talk to me, It actually made me regret saying no to him. Mabe abayinla though.

He told Wahab about me, mabe as2ila why he did bes abe abayinla ena I'm very upset 3ala ely sawa.

A: I miss you
Me: Me too..
A: Wainech?
Me: 6al3a
A: Shfeech Modhi
Me: Wala shey
A: Etchathben 3lai?
Me: 3ziz mabe achatheb 3laick
A: 3ayal shfeech?
Me: laish gilt 7ag Wahab?
A: What are you talking about?
Me: 3ziz laish gilt 7ag wahab 3ani?
A: Awalan ana magilt 7ag Wahab wala shey thaniyan sh3arafich fee Modhi?

Busted.

Now what? Shagoula? Should I lie to him or what? No one knows my full life story, so there is none to talk to.

I read it but just didn't answer.

A: Modhi laish mu gayletli?
Me: Sorry

I didn't know what to say

A: Modhi riday 3lai bdig 3laich.
Me: Magdar I'm in the car
A: Wain ray7a?
Me: Tawni wi9alt 3end Rawna8
A: Ana ib diwaniyathum
Me: Hmmm
A: Ta3aleeli bakalmich
Me: Mu minsijick sa7?
A: Balla min9iji.
Me: La2 6ab3an...

Wisalna bait rawna8 killina ri7na g3dna bilsala elfog.

Taiba: Ta3alay Modh gi3day yami bakalmich ib mawthou3
Rawna8: La digeega bitye ma3ay
Me: Wain?
Rawna8: Ta3alay entay.. Ni6row shway hne okay?

I went with her, miskat eedi ou was taking me down stairs.

Shkait bilwath3.

Me: Rawna8 wain emwadyatne?

I stopped.

R: Malich shighel ta3alay ma3ay entay

She force pulled me.

Me: Okay wait, ana wain ray7aa!!
R: Shh! Bess ta3alay

We were in the basement, she opened the door. The first thing I saw was 3ziz. 


Kan ga3ed 3al couch, he didn't seem very happy.

R: Yalla dishay!
Me: Emmm...
R: Maku a7ad bilbait, ekhthow ra7atkum!


She smirked.

Me: La Rawna8 ou what about the girls..(?)
R: Malich shighel feehum aragi3lihum salfa

I wanted to go in but didn't want to at the same time. This is so wrong, him and I in a basement alone? I'm not sure my parents are okay with this. Ou ba3dain y3ny masar ela laman he found out about Wahab? Ouf.

A: Modhi ta3alay

He pat the cushion ely yama twice. Yabeeni ag3ad yama? When no one's around? Okay I'm worried.

I stood still, I didnt want to go. Adre he's angry about salfat Wahab.

Rawna8 shut the door. I had to go to him, I looked weird standing there alone.

I walked towards him. Wisalt but I didn't sit down, he was too close. It was a large one person couch.

He held my hands, and looked me in the eyes

A: Modhi..

Day 24: Break even

"La2 mnu?" I bragged

"Afa Modhi tawne emkalmich!" He replied

" Madre mnu? " Rdait

"Ana Wahab..."

I walked away from the girls 3ashan agdar atkalam 3adel.

Me: Mu china giltlick latdig 3lai walla etkalimne?
W: Adre, bess bas2ilich so2al
Me: Na3am?
W: Shlon et3arfeen 3ziz?
Me: Ay 3ziz?
W: Modhi latistahbilain
Me: WAHAB ETKALAM 3ADEL OKAY?

I got really angry, how disrespectful of him. Okay y3ny I might have known ay 3ziz he's talking about but "latistahbilain" 8awiya. E7asisne em6ay7een elmyana.

W: Asif makan '3azde, okay riday 3lai et3arfeena walla la2?

I couldn't concentrate, I think I over heard 3ziz while Wahab was talking! Or is it just me, hallucination? ah, confusion.

While Wahab was talking I was making sure if it's 3ziz or not. ..seconds later I was sure, a3arif 6reeghat kalama!

Waktha I felt dizzy, Wahab and 3ziz at the same time? The only thing I can think of right now is that what if 3ziz finds out about my ugly past? Ba6ee7 min 3aina.

A7ib 3ziz mabe yakheth 3ani fikra, specially because he always talks about how girls don't think before they act and that they're "khirfan" at times.

At this moment I was in another world you can say, I couldn't hear a thing Wahab said, everything he said was pointless and made no sense at all to me.

W: Modhi? Modhi wain ri7tay?

He interrupted me.

Me: Na3am?
W: Riday 3lai..
Me: Wahab malick shigel enta, latitdakhal ib ashya2 matkhisick

Cha3amta.

I saw my friends coming towards me so I quickly tried to end Wahab's conversation.

After I said what I had to say, he didn't say a word.

Me: Ana bamshe al7een et2amer 3ala shey?
W: Modhi?
Me: Na3am..
W: Awal mara itkalmeeni chthy..
Me: People change Wahab, so should you.. ou 7arakatick elbaykha, ely malat yahal lazem etgawif.
W: Mu min9ijich Modhi
Me: la walla min9iji

They got too close, I walked away so that I can have a longer conversation with him. Wahab deserves to be talked rudely to, Wahab mu insan.

W: Ay 7arakat Modhi?
Me: Wahab etyeeli faj2a ba3ad 3 years etgouli a7ibich? Ettha7ick tara...
W: Machathabt
Me: Alla yastir 3laick bess, yalla ana bamshe ma3a elsalama..
W: Wait, Modhi adre et3arfeen 3ziz latchathbeen just tell me the truth!
Me: Bye Wahab


I hung up. I felt brave, I felt like all this came from deep inside of me. I meant every word I said to him. I didn't even have to think about what to say.


At this point, my feelings towards him were pure hate. I hate him.

I know hate is a strong word but I mean it, the things he made me go though mu shwayya. 

It's 3pm and the carnival was closing, we had to leave.

I went back to my friends. They were all staring, minb3eed.

Sara: Shsar?
Me: Walla shey..
Taiba: Latchathbeen, yalla spill
Me: I don't want to talk about it
Taiba: Mu kaifich goulay..
Nora: Khalas 7aram she doesn't wanna talk about it.

7sait ena Nora 7asa feeni, finally someone understands. When I say I don't want to talk about it, I really don't.

Taiba: Way Nora shtabeen I was asking her..

Nora didn't seem very happy about the way Taiba talked to her. It was very rude, I have to admit.

Me: 6aib sij mabe I talk about it, thank you for caring.
Rawna8: 7bebti akeed you don't wan't to talk about it?
Me: Eee walla, thank you

We left right after that, ri7na all of us bait Rawna8.

Day 23: Rejection and regret

But as if right now, I couldn't care less. The moment was so perfect I just wanted to enjoy ever second of it.

R: Yalla answer, are you gona keep the boy waiting walla shnu bilthb6?
Me: 3ziz..
R: Khalas she said yes..
A: She didn't, abe asma3ha minha..
Me: 3ziz madre shagoulick..

A: Modhi a7ibich

Me: I'm sorry I can't do this, Please don't make this harder for me.

He was shocked. I can see it in his eyes, His lips went dry, His smile turned into a frown. I hate seeing him like this but at the same time I think it's too early to go to the next step. After all having a boyfriend is a very big step to take, I need to know him well enough to completely trust him with my heart. I really don't want to repeat the same mistake. I've learnt from my mistake, It made me weak for a very long time and I'm sure as hell I don't want that to happen again.

We all stood there speechless, I had nothing to say because I rejected him. Rawna8 was shocked and he was just.. heart broken?

I felt bad.

Me: April fools?

He just walked away... what have I done? He's been trying his best to make me the happiest girl and I give him this? This is very hard for me, ou el sara7a som3ity aham. I might be selfish to him but I'm not if you think about it family wise, they've raised me to be the exact opposite of what I'm doing, the least I can do is be sure of who I'm with.

Am I contradicting myself? I've done this before and now I say family first? I'm confused, I need time to figure things out. I'm being over protective of my actions lately, I have serious trust issues. I'm not really sure if that's a good or bad thing.

R: Whoa Modh, that was just.... madre shagoulich
Me: I'm sorry I screwed up big time.
R: I'm not gona deny that.
Me: Mu ga3da etsa3deen Rawna8
R: Modh gouleeli el9ij et7ibeena?
Me: wayed wayed Rawna8, he's driving me crazy. I'm in love with him.
R: Okay then laish gilteela la2?
Me: Rawna8 walla I've been heart broken adre tawne agoulich ou I should have told you minziman bss walla I don't want to be hurt again. I also have trust issues.
R: 7elu 7elu ba3ad aku shey mu gailetli? Anyway listen he's my cousin, Mayit 3laich walla! Killom yt7al6am 3ala rasi 3an shkither y7ibich. Modhi if he hurts you I'll kill him ou b3dain ana a3arfa 3adel egouli killshey awal mara ib 7ayati egouli ena e7ib wa7da! Give him a chance, he'll make you happy I promise. 3ziz can be trusted.
Me: I already said no to him..
R: 3ade he'll understand.
Me: Okay shgoula al7een?
R: Ana akalma.

She called him..

*Ring*

I waited there nervously.

He hung up..

R: Sada ib wayhe..(?)

I started tearing, I messed up! I hate crying in public, but this time I just can't control myself I was in too much guilt, when I shouldn't have been.

R: Are you crying?

I said nothing just looked at her, my eyes were watering..

Me: Badig 3lai Rawna8
R: Okay yalla call

*Ring*

It's switched off...

R: Don't worry I'm sure his phone ran out of charge or something..

I stayed there, hoping it was true...

We met Sara, 6aiba and Nora right after 3ziz hung up..
All three knew something was going on, makint 3ala ba3thi! I was faking a smile, my friends we're enjoying the day I didn't want to ruin it for them.

Rawna8 bbmed me.
R: Smile 7yati entay, I promise everything's gona be ok

I smiled, Her bbm actually made me feel a lot better.

An hour later my phone rang, I didn't pay attention to it as the whole time at the carnival I was thinking of him, and only him.

Sara: Your phone's ringing...
I checked.

Me: madre mnu arid?
Taiba: Riday..
Nora: But don't say aloo, wait till they say aloo

Taiba, Sara and Rawna8 all were shocked why Nora was talking to me.

Me: Me and Nora are okay now, latkhizoun
Nora: Eee shfeekum mi7tareen, haha! Enzain yalla riday

I picked it and said nothing as Nora told me.

Person: Aloo?

It's a guy..

Me: Mnu?
Person: Ma3arafteeni?

Day 22: Such are relief

Me: La2...
A: Eee..
R: Eee?
A: La2 y3ny ee la2 we don't talk..
R: Okay madre etha shayfeeni 7mara walla shnu..

We both said nothing at all, we can't deny anything anymore! It was too obvious.

R: Btitkalimoun walla shlon? Tara this is kinda cute, I always thought you two bitlougoun 3ala ba3ath..
Me: Soo entay mum3a9ba?
R: Haw laish a3a9ib? Do you two talk to each other?
Me: La2..

I denied everything, I never excepted the truth. I denied that we talked so now, I not only sounded stupid but also a liar, great.

R: MASHI MOUDHIO YAL CHALBA CHATHBAY 3LAI AKTHAR!
A: Rawna8 we talk...

I looked at him, shocked at how he just said it to her face.

R: Adre, I just wanted you two to say it!
Me: Shlon tadreen?
R: Adre minziman a9lan!
A: Shlon tadreen?
R: I've got my ways! Ou b3dain Modh adre you had a thing for him minziman
Me: HEYYYYWW!!!
A: Kamlayy.. b3ad shnu Modhi sawat?
Me: WALLA SHEY! Yalla let's go Rawna8 people are staring...

I smiled, I wasn't serious. I kinda wanted someone to tell him that. I've stalked him for so long. This is exactly what I wanted him to hear yet I didn't want to sound like I wanted him to know.

A: Okay before you leave..
R: Shtabe cousin?
A: Modhi answer my question, now that rawna8 knows we talk..
R: La7th wait before you ask, do you two love each other walla friends?
Me: Friends..

Denial again. I just can't tell the truth, It's not something I'm proud of...

A: A7777!! Nvm
Me: Shfeeck?
A: La walla shey...
Me: Shnu kint bis2alne?
A: Walla shey..

I dont understand, what did I say wrong? He obviously knows we aren't only friends..

R: TALK ABOUT GETTING FRIENDZONED!!
A: Exactly...
Me: I didn't mean it, you know we're not friends
A: Bestfriends?
R: Okay listen you two, I'm gona walk away la2na this is getting awkward for me.. Modh ana hnak na6ritich kay babes?
Me: La stay I'm coming ma3ach right after he asks me, and no not bestfriends.. nowhere near friends sadigne 3ziz

Rawna8 smiles, as if she wanted this to happen! I had a feeling that she knew about us long ago. I was very shocked, I didn't expect this to be her reaction at all. Killa can 7sbali ena Rawna8 is close minded that she'd get angry if she found out, but I guess that's not the deal here.

R: Yalla 3ziz khalisne ask her, you can do it..
Me: La7tha wait, you know about this?

I cought 3ziz giving Rawna8 "The look"

Me: I saw that...

3ziz smiles and looks at me with a very innocent look which to be honest was the cutest thing ever. I can't figure out if it was only me thinking he's cute or was it just the effect of love?

R: Don't do that, It's such a turn off.
A: Do what?
R: The smile..

No, It's definitely just me. It's like a package, when you love every flaw becomes a perfection. Every fault becomes a virtue. 

Me: Bil3aks it's cute..
R: Modhhhhiiii oh ohhhh!!

I blushed and looked down...

R: Enzain yalla 3ziz ask..
Me: No wait, Y3ny you know about us?
R: Yup, we just faked that! HAHA! Y3ny 7bebti he's my cousin akeed bigouli!!
Me: La walla 3ziz? Who have you told ba3ad?
A: Ma7ad bess ihya walla...
Me: So giltaha..(?)
A: Eee..
Me:  Wayed saree7, Ashwa giltlaha! Now I don't have to..
R: I'm pissed at you, laish magilteeli..
Me: I thought you'd get angry etha giltlich, sorry
R: 3ade, enzain back to the question! 3ziz ask khalisne..

This is such a relief, now I don't have to feel bad about what I'm doing everytime I'm with Rawna8.

A: Modhi look at me awal..

I looked downwards.

R: He's up here honey..
Me: I can't look people will stare!
R: Y3ny yat 3alla al7eeen? Yalla look 5al9eeni

I looked at him, straight into his eyes! I got a million butterflies only by only looking at him, This is crazy. I'm in love with him!

A: Modhi please, latrideeni.. Will you be my girlfriend?

Shoot me, Now what? What about my reputation? That talk again, Elkuwait sgeera and people talk. Sooner or later someone will find out and will surely judge me, and that's certain. 

Day 21: The truth might have slipped

I called Nora to check up on her.

I talked to her for a bit on the phone then she came over to my place.

We caught up on everything, She was opening up to me like none of the salfa happend. I feel like we got closer in just a few hours! it was so great.

After she left I slept 3ala 6ool. mkalamt 3ziz, I was too tired.

In the morning I woke up by Rawna8's annoying pings!

R: WAKE UP WAKE UPP!!
Me: Im up R, shtabeen?
R: al7een ba6la3 amurich!
Me: Laish?
R: LAISH BA3AD THE CARNIVAL NISAITAY?
Me: La manisait, al7een I'll shower ou abadel then 6il3ay..
R: OLA enzain tell me when your done its 10 already!
Me: 3ade the carnival la 3!

R: Yalla bye, dont be late athib7ich

I called 3ziz right after I showered.

Me: A whole day maku hi's walla shey? I miss you ..
A: Walla ana akthar! Sorry magidart walla I'm at the hospital 7adi t3ban
Me: Ayshey! Laish magiltli 3ziz?
A: La it's not that serious bess manshoul shway..
Me: Salamt matshouf shar!
A: Yslmich 7bebti, Okay wain bitrou7een elyom?

7bebti again, It's beginning to be something he normally says. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I ignored it.

Me: Carnival you?
A: Oh, 9ijjj? enzain mita bitru7een?
Me: 12:30 laish?

A: La walla shey!

Me: La that sounds like fee shey, shfeeck?

A: Nothing! enzain listen laman a5li9 min elhospital akalmich

Me: Okay, Take care

A: Enshalla, entay ba3ad! Don't do anything stupid

Me: Y3ny you think i'd do something stupid?

A: La I'm just saying be careful of your actions.

Me: G3ed etkhari3ny 3ziz, sami3 shey?

A: La walla, wala shey bess im saying..

Me: Okay then

A: Lazem arou7 el7een tabeen shey?

Me: Slamtick

A: Yslimich

He hung up.

I got dressed lana rawna8 el7anana g3da et7in!

... Wisalna the carnival it was great, nothing new

3ziz was calling me

R: Your phone's ringing Modh
Me: Adre, it's Reem
R: Sheelee..
Me: B3dain, mali khilgha

I lied.

R: Ohh Modhi my cousin hnee ta3alay ma3ay basalim 3lai.
Me: Okay

I walked with her ri7na walla ashouf 3ziz ib wayhe, HER COUSIN.

.

.

.

I stood there awkwardly playing with my hair, as that's what I did when I got nervous.

He looked at me constantly and I looked back at him, straight into his eyes! His eyes are deep and brown, so hazel. It was as if I can describe exactly who he was as a person by only looking at his eyes, they truly were the window to his soul.

I couldn't stop staring blankly at him, watching him speak. I thinking about him, whilst the whole world was on mute. It was only him and I.

R: HAYYWWWW 3ZIIZ ANA HNEEE! Shfeck etkhiz my friend? 3aib tara haaa.. esta7 yawalad!

She was smiling and didn't sound serious at all, but after all with every joke comes a hint of truth.

A: Makhzait

He looked down to his feet, while smiling.

I looked down too, smiling also.

R: Shg3ed e9eer yajima3a? Am I missing something here?

I quickly mummbled nervously and said

"Rawna8 tabeen bux? Mishtahya.."

R: WALLA EL3ATHEEM AKU SHEY! GOULOULI AL7EEN BA3A9IB TARA!

A: Shfeech mafe shey, you're making it awkward...

He whispered.

R: Eee I will make it awkawrd! What's going on, do you two know each other?

Day 20: Happy tears?

Nora: Are you crying Modhi?
Me: Noo...
Nora: You are, please don't cry..
Me: Nora sh3endich elyom?
Nora: Walla shey
Me: Can you come over, please don't say no lazem akalmich!
Nora: Enshalla, as2al omi ou I'll bbm you ok?

She hung up.

As soon as she hung up 3ziz called me.

A: Halla blzain
Me: Hey there
A: Shlonech?
Me: blue enta? Get it? Shnu-lonich? HAHAH.
A: Shnu avatar?
Me: Omg thats even lamer than my joke...
A: Shinsawe ba3ad, 6al3een 3laich
Me: EXCUSE ME?
A: I'm jokinnnnggg
Me: 3abali ba3ad.

He always makes me happy. I'm always smiling none stop when I'm talking to him.

A: Ok Modhi I called you bas2ilich so2al
Me: Etfathal...
A: Modhi if I asked you to be my girlfriend what would you say?

Whoa, what's going on. Is he seriously asking me that? 

I quickly replied to him, with an indirect no.

Me: Don't you think it's too early 3ziz?
A: So that's a no?
Me: Ana magilt no, I'm just saying
A: Okay then
Me: Laish were you planning to?
A: Eee
Me: Too early for an april fools joke, don't you think?
A: I'm not joking. Modhi a7ibich and I want you to be mine and only mine. Im falling in love, I can't control it.
Me: Hmmm

I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad, it was like a load of senselessness emotions that I had to carry behind my back. This made me upset somehow. It made me think of som3ity and what would my parents think if they found out about 3aziz and how it's getting more serious by the day, yet with all that going on a part of be wanted to be with him only because I loved him too much.

I tried to stay out of trouble but trouble always seems to eventually get to me. My heart always directs me to the wrong directions, it's like a false compass that's meant to break you.

*PING* *PING* *PING*

Me: Wait la7tha someone's pinging me I'll see who it is and call you back

Saved by the pings.

A: Ok 7bebti.

7BEBTI?!?!?!?! This was clearly going over the top, it was too much.

*PING* *PING*

OUF rfeejati laish chthy 7ana?!!

*Bbm convo*

Me: SHTABEEN 6AIBOO NA3AM NA3AM? ELWA7ED BIFAKIR MA YIGDAR!
T: Etfakreen ib shnu?
Me: Feech
T: Mu chthy echthboun! Enzain shgayla 7ag Nora?
Me: Laish galatlich?
T: Walla shey I called her bas2alha 3an homeworks walla etsheela ou she wasn't talking 3adel walla staw3ib ena she crying.. giltlaha shfeech mu rathya etgouli
Me: MINSIJICH?
T: I asked her sh3endich elyom galetli bitrou7 baitich, shsayer? Modhi we all know you two hate each other
Me: Agoulich b3dain, I have to go!

Day 19: 3 years of meaningless hate!

Skarta ib wayha. How dare he.

W: Modhi riday 3lai.
Me: Stop calling me, mani rada 3laick Wahab

My eyes started tearing. I'm stronger than this, I looked in the mirror, sniffed it in and swallowed my tears.

W: Please just hear what I have to say, You don't even have to reply please Modhi! 3ashani...

*Ring*

He's calling again.

I picked it.

Me: Na3am Wahab.
Wahab: Tadreen how much I miss you saying that?
Me: Saying what?
Wahab: My name, can you say it again please?

Why does he always make me feel like this! He makes me feel guilty, weak, he always makes me feel like I was wrong and makes me want to talk to him. At times it gets so hard for me to say no to him but not this time, It's not working this time.

I'm stronger than this.

Me: Just tell me what you have to say, Lana I have to go
W: Wain bitru7een?
Me: Malick shghel, Wahab bitgoul walla asida?

I felt great saying that, for the first time I felt incharge.

W: Ok Modhi shfeech.. elsalfa 9arat 2 years ago, let it go..
Me: Bye Wahab
W: No wait
Me: Na3am
W: Ok sim3ay ana ams shiftich, bagoulich el9ij wayed mitghayra! I felt like I was missing a lot, you made me think all night. You're beautiful Modhi.
Me: Ok, khalast? Can I go?
W: No. 3an el salfa, tara Modhi Nora stopped talking to me right after we broke up.
Me: Ok great, that's all you have to say?
W: No, 5aleeni akamil please. Madre mnu gayilich we went out, Tara we never did ou to be honest ana I met you min Nora we used to talk gabil la akalmich aw a3arfich! Waktha I was with her, we were together as a couple. Kint em3a9ib 3laiha fa ba7irha in anyway so I talked to you, gilt ena bi7irha. When you and I got close she found out that I talk to you. Gabil la you and I get together I broke up with her.
Me: Oh my god. How the fuck do you have the guts to tell me all this? ENTA SHNU MIN ENSAN? MT7IS WAHAB MAT7IS?
W: Modhi..

I didn't let him finish what he had to say, I hung up.

I had to talk to Nora.

I called Sara and Taiba both don't answer.

*Bbm convo*

Me: Rawna8, 3a6eeni Nora's number quick!
R: Elnas islmoun awal yal ga63a..
Me: Salam 3laikum, can I have her number?
R: Can I have yo numberr? Cannn I? 
Me: Mu waktich Rawna8 please it's important...
R: Btw 7ail z3lana 3laich, 7adich ga63a
Me: I promise I'll make it up to you bacher
R: Bityeen the carnival?
Me: Yup, and I'm all yours
R: Can't wait babyyy! wait khal a6ali3lich her number..

She gave me Nora's number ou I called her 3ala 6ool.

She picked up..

Me: Hi
Nora: Mnu?
Me: Modhi...
Nora: Emm?
Me: Adre, you're probably wondering why I'm calling.
Nora: Aaaa...
Me: Nora why didn't you tell me?
Nora: Tell you what?
Me: You know exactly what..
Nora: I couldn't
Me: Y3ny kill hal wakt I thought you were wrong and I hated you for something you didn't do?
Nora: I didn't want to hurt you, you loved him.
Me: NORA YOU LOVED HIM TOO!
Nora: Hmm, mnu galich?
Me: Ohwa!
Nora: Can we please put this behind us? Elsalfa 9arat 3 years ago ou walla Modh mabe shey ana, bess I miss you, I miss the old us! I miss telling you things..

I couldn't help my self I was crying.

Day 18: Not again..

" Ay Wahab? " I replied.

I was puzzled, I acted stupid. I knew exactly who he was! I mean how can I forget? I was madly and utterly in love with him. Underline was.

*Knock knock*

Me: YESSS!!
Lisa: Come eat lunch, Your Father's calling you Modhi.

Lisa's my nanny.

Me: Ok
Lisa: Hurry!
Me: Enzain Lisa...

I finally got out of bed, brushed my teeth, changed then went to eat lunch..

I left my phone on my bed, I want to have some family time! Im fed up of over thinking.

I had lunch it was great, Reem seemed fine. After lunch I talked to Reem.

Me: Hi..
Reem: Modh don't worry about it I'm fine walla..
Me: Akeed?
Reem: Akeedain.
Me: Enzain smile 3ashani...

Reem smiles.

I love her so much, I left and was omw to my room.

Awal mawisalt I jumped on my bed and took my phone..

Wahab texted!

"Shd3wa Modhi you don't remember me? It wasn't that long ago, shkither 2years?"

No actually Wahab it was 3, I thought to myself.

" Oh now I remember..."

W: How have you been Modhi?
Me: I'm great, how have you been?
W: Good. Can I call you? I really miss you..
Me: Wahab, I just wanted to see how your doing. I can't talk to you anymore, sorry...
W: Modhi, listen I haven't talked to you in 2 years ou now matabeen etkalmeeni?
Me: Honestly? No. Ou b3dain it was your fault Wahab.
W: People make mistakes Modhi.
Me: Oh so are you telling me that you flirting and going out with my BESTFRIEND was a mistake? 5MONTHS Wahab, 5months.. you've been lying to me! Ana mu li3ba ok? You don't come and go 3ala kaifick. I know you well enough to know that you're the last person who I want to talk to right now. You hurt me, You knew exactly how to break me and you did, you really did. Now please lat6awilha zyada 3an ellizoum, mabe akalmick.
W: And you think you telling me all this isn't hurtful?

He's such an amatuer. Who the hell does he think he is?! He finds this hurtful? I wish he put himself in my shoes, then maybe he'll know how true pain really feels like.

Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
W: No.. Modhi I love you.

I swear this was just too much to take in. 3 YEARS THAN HE COMES BACK TELLING ME HE LOVES ME? I mean I'm not that stupid if he really did "love me" he would've done something about it long ago. I'm not falling for it, not again!

Me: Wahab what you're doing is wrong. Stop it.

*Ring*

Wahab's calling.

Day 17: Double the trouble

Me: Reem stop please.

I went up to her and hugged her as tight as I could.

Me: Reem walla a7ibich
Reem: Modhi
Me: Na3am?
Reem: Promise me something
Me: Yea? I promise.
Reem: Just answer me truthfully, did you really mean that?
Me: Reem...
Reem: Khalas, thank you for being honest. Ou you're right, bacher we'll talk about this ana banam al7een
Me: Ok. A7bich.
Reem: Awal mara etgoulenli a7ibich, me more Modhi you just dont know it.

I was feeling terrible, she's my sister for gods sake how can I do this to her. I thought to my self sooner or later everything was going to burst out, It's a good thing I didn't completely lose control.

I bbmed 3ziz told him I had to sleep then went to sleep.

In the morning I woke up checked my phone.

As usual, I have bbms maybe a whatsapp, a mention or two but rarely a text message. I got a message this time, it caught attention.

Message: Hi

Hmm? Ignore or reply? Two choices..

I talked to Sara on bbm.

Me: I got a message that says "Hi" I ignore or reply?
Sara: Emmmmmmm reply it might be a friend.
Me: k..
Sara: Dont k me
Me: OKJ
Sara: Better.

I replied to the text "Mnu?"
Waited for about 10mins then got a message back
"Someone. I miss you Modhi"
Me: Who's this?

I insisted.

*Ring*
It's Taiba.

T: Helllooo
Me: Hi sexyyy
T: Goodmorning
Me: Morning!
T: Guess what?
Me: What? What Taiba shimsawya hal mara?
T: Actually Modh momsawya shey, awal mara sa7?
Me: Eee awal mara
T: Enzain listen, Meshari followed me! NAYAHAHAHAHA
Me: Mida?
T: I followed back..
Me: Olla, mita kill hatha?
T: TAWA!
Me: Did he dm you?
T: nope, im dming him...
Me: 7ILFAY 6AIB 7ILFAY?
T: whaaaaaat?
Me: Dont dm him, khal ohwa he dm's you!
T: Fine, Omi ga3da etnadeeni lazem arou7 atghada, bye loser.
Me: Bye, dont dm him!
T: ZAIN!

She hung up.

I checked my phone, I got another text.

"Guess? Hint: Shifteni ams."

Wahab? I have no one to talk to, about this. No one knows about Wahab ela Nora and no way, not in a million year akalim Nora. I guess I have to deal with this by my self.

I decided not to answer back, I'm ignoring it.

I sat there thinking. I couldn't do any studying or anything else, I couldn't even get out of bed!

30mins later I texted back, I just couldn't. Curiousty was killing me.

"Madre..."

 Got another text. Bismilla, I opened it.

"Modhi, it's me wahab."